


3:42am

by favowiteperson



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (the surprise is me giving u a happy ending), Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining Michael, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, also it's written in first person, like at the beginning michael kinda hurts his hand on the road idk its not graphic, like its michael diary entries i guess? idk, sad sad author, sad sad michael, theres no actual happy ending but check the authors note at the end for a surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 09:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12166566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favowiteperson/pseuds/favowiteperson
Summary: it seems that every time michael is awake in the early hours of morning, he makes life changing realisations.they all start and end with jeremy.





	3:42am

:. 

i realised i needed you at 3:18am

you were there  
you were always there  
at my lowest point  
the sky was a solid grey and the pavement we stood on was slowly becoming more and more flooded  
the rain was pouring down in icy sheets  
and the air around us was thick with unspoken questions  
you took my hand and turned my palm skyward, the rain mixing with the blood still pooling from where it had struck the road  
“michael” was all you had to say before my tears started falling  
“no” you whispered the word in a voice so gentle i wasn’t sure if it was real life "michael, what’s wrong?”  
that’s when i realised it  
i don’t know if it was the sound of your voice or the way you were holding my hand or the fact that you were standing with me in the pouring rain at 3am getting your clothes completely drenched   
or maybe it was the way that one raindrop was clinging to your eyelash but something made it click in my head  
and i wanted to tell you everything but i couldn’t find the words  
so instead i looked you in the eyes and prayed that you understood  
“i don’t know”   
and you pulled me close and held me and though i was shaking before now your heartbeat was steady and for once so was i   
and with my face buried in the goddamn cardigan of yours and your hands bunched up in the material of my shirt i knew i couldn’t get through this without you

:.

i realised i wanted you at 12:00am

the party had migrated outside  
the roads were packed with teenagers waiting for the countdown to the new year  
we were slightly tipsy  
we’d been roaming the streets for a while and at some point throughout the night you had grabbed my hand  
you made it seem like nothing  
you simply reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers  
it wasn’t until half an hour later my subconscious finally caught up with reality and holy shit you were holding my hand  
and you didn’t let go  
we weaved through drunk teenagers and the remains of early new years fireworks, talking about anything and everything  
and your laugh made me feel like i was about to explode into a million pieces  
you led me out into the middle of the road as the chants of people counting down began to fill the air  
“3… 2… 1!”  
and your face was illuminated by the light of hundreds of fireworks all exploding at once  
you were looking up watching the sky burst into colour around us  
and i whispered that i loved you   
so quietly you didn’t hear  
so you wouldn’t let go

:.

i realised i truly loved you at 2:05am

we were in my basement  
as we always were  
scrolling through our phones, a comfortable silence hung in the air   
i heard you start to giggle and then i made the biggest mistake of my life  
i shouldn’t have looked up  
but i did   
you were laughing and the fairy lights we’d strung up together for christmas and never taken down were reflected in your eyes and i swear i had never seen anything more beautiful   
then it hit me like a semi truck going 100  
into a brick wall  
i loved you  
you weren’t even doing anything particularly interesting, just laughing at something someone had said  
i guess it was just everything you’d ever done and said leading up to that moment   
and that one laugh must have been the final push because suddenly i loved you i loved you i loved you  
and you were perfect and i couldn’t breathe  
i shouldn’t have looked up

:.

i realised i was in love with you at 1:15am

another halloween party gone wrong   
turns out underage drinking isn’t the best idea sometimes  
especially when the neighbours decide to call the police  
we were in an alleyway between two buildings, back pressed against the wall  
chests heaving, our warm breath making clouds of smoke in the cold air  
we had no way to get home and oh my god what if we got arrested   
it was late and no one knew we were here this was bad bad bad  
somehow in your drunken state you must have sensed my fear   
you came right up to me and took my face in your hands  
i froze completely and you let out a vodka scented sigh   
you leaned in and pressed your forehead against mine  
i didn’t move or speak or even breathe  
i felt like this moment was the most important moment of my life  
if i turned my head and moved forward a few inches i would-  
i would ruin our entire friendship  
“michael” you whispered, warm breath creating clouds of mist in the cold air  
“i promise you everything is going to be alright” you said slowly  
i remained silent  
"okay?”  
i could hear footsteps on gravel somewhere in the distance  
my heart was beating so fast i was surprised you couldn’t feel it   
“okay”

:.

i realised i couldn’t have you at 5:19am

it was that same night  
i ended up calling us a cab and we were dropped a road away from your house  
we were talking at 5am in the middle of the road  
you slightly tipsy and me slightly confused and somehow that was normal for us  
and i knew this night was going to be important  
there was a pause in conversation and you looked at me for a long time  
“i wish i was attracted to boys, it would be so much easier”  
and my heart simultaneously dropped and stopped working at the same time  
“but you’re not” i choked out, staring determinedly at the sidewalk   
“i’m not” you repeated  
i didn’t look up

:.

i realised i had to let you go at 3:42am

we were sitting in the middle of our favorite park in silence  
we’d gone there to talk, as we sometimes do  
you had gotten very quiet and i was on edge  
and then my heart shattered  
you started crying  
not just a few tears   
you were sobbing, knees pulled up to your chest  
your head in your hands  
“what’s wrong” i asked, quietly and urgently  
i could feel my heart crumbling more and more the longer i looked at you  
“no one loves me… there’s always someone better”  
and no matter how hard i tried to convince you otherwise you wouldn’t believe me  
“i love you”  
i whispered,  
this time loud enough for you to hear  
“i mean girls” you mumbled “no one loves me romantically”  
my every nerve was on fire and my heart didn’t seem to be working again  
i wanted to tell you everything but then i realised something  
i wasn’t the person you wanted to hear that from  
i wasn't the one you thought about at 4am when you couldn't sleep   
and i never will be  
i knew then that one day you’ll meet a girl that feels that way about you  
and all of these moments will just be memories  
maybe you’ll never know that for me  
it was you  
it was always you  
but above all i knew i couldn’t tell you  
not then, not ever  
so instead i pulled you closer and whispered “it’s okay”   
even though this time  
i wasn’t so sure that it was

:.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry ??? why do i hurt michael like this hhhh  
> just know that after this fic ends jeremy has his Bisexual Awakening and him and michael get together and stay that way forever and they get a cute studio apartment together with a dog and they're very in love thank you for your time  
> (also i haven't read over this properly so let me know if there are any mistakes)


End file.
